Perfectly Blended: Celebrating Stepfamilies on National Stepfamily Day

0

Perfectly Blended: Celebrating Stepfamilies graphicI love writing for Green Bay Area Moms Blog because typically these posts almost compose themselves. In all honesty, it usually takes me longer to create the accompanying graphic than it does to organize and type my thoughts.

But not this time.

When asked to write a post about National Stepfamily Day (which is Sept. 16, by the way), I thought it would be another easy installment. After all, step-parenting is something near and dear to my heart. My stepson was only 6 years old when I married his father, so I’ve been a stepparent as long as I’ve been a parent. Further, I gained a beautiful new stepmom and four adult stepbrothers when my dad remarried five years ago. But something about this assignment gave me a serious case of writer’s block. As I sit here, I’m four five days past my self-appointed deadline … and I’m still not exactly sure what I want to say.

The problem is that no two stepfamilies look the same. No two stepfamilies operate the same. The blending of two families by marriage, while much maligned in fairy tales and pop culture, is actually quite often a beautiful thing. Except when it’s not.

Just as there is no one perfect way to parent, there is no one perfect way to stepparent. While some blended families have placement of the same kiddos day in and day out, others look vastly different on a Monday or a Friday or every other weekend. Some parents and stepparents use Skype or FaceTime to stay connected to their children and stepchildren. Others might have sole placement and/or custody and live together under the same roof year-round.

Nuclear families with two parents and 2.2 biological kids might never know the struggles stepfamilies endure of trying to create a cohesive household when sharing 50/50 placement. They might not understand the complexities of creating a holly-jolly Christmas card and including two or more last names. Remember, though, that what looks “perfect” on the outside rarely holds up under closer inspection.

I realized early on that one way to set up my family for failure was to try to make it look like something it wasn’t. I got a ton of advice from truly well-meaning people early in my marriage about what I “should” or “shouldn’t” do as a young stepmother, but very little of it applied to my relationship with my stepson. The best thing I did was listen to my heart – not the “you shoulds” of others. And that philosophy has served me well for more than 16 years.

Sometimes (I readily admit) it was hard to keep my selfish ego in check and operate day to day under the mechanics that best served my family as a whole – not just myself as an individual. But I don’t think that struggle is unique to stepparents; I face those same challenges today even as my stepson is now 23, married, and living on his own.

I’m not going to say those early days were easy, because they weren’t. But I’m able to look back at those more challenging years when transitions were trickier and the future seemed uncertain, with a heart full of gratitude. Because I believe that unless you go through the storm, you can’t fully appreciate the calm that follows.

Maybe you have yet to find the calm. Maybe you are still struggling through the storm. There is help available, no matter your situation. My neighbor and dear friend operates “Perfectly Blended” – a Facebook support group for parents and stepparents. The matriarch of a blended family with five children, she knows more than her share about keeping the peace and making the most out of every moment! I idolize and respect her in more ways than I can count.

Regardless of your struggles – whether they come from an ex, extended family, grandparents, or the stepchildren themselves – don’t suffer in silence. Talk to your spouse, seek help from a counselor or clergy, or reach out to a favorite friend. Because stepfamilies can be messy and complicated, that’s true. But they can also be miraculously beautiful. And that’s something worth celebrating on Sept. 16 – and every other day of the year.

 

Interested in traveling?  Laura is a pro!  Read Give your kids the world: Travel!

In-Article Ad
Previous articleAlgebra – Is Your Child Ready?
Next articleOktoberfest Celebrations In and Around Green Bay
Laura
Laura is a small-town Wisconsin girl who’s made her home in De Pere for the last 15 years. She has a journalism degree from UW-Oshkosh and works as a copy editor and freelance writer when she’s not working on a novel, running, or teaching yoga. Her family includes her husband, two daughters at home, and an adult stepson and daughter-in-law, both of whom serve our country in the U.S. Marine Corps. What I love most about living in this area: Visiting the Brown County libraries, running on the Fox River Trail and cheering for the Green Bay Packers!